


Miracles: The Worst Thing to Ever Happen to Me

by Jay_Dayy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Ableism, Ableist Language, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blind Character, Blindness, Borderline Personality Disorder, Car Accidents, Child Abuse, Connor Deserves Happiness, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Injury Recovery, Jared Being an Asshole, Jared doesn't like feelings, Jared's car insurance, Jewish Jared Kleinman, Kinda, M/M, Misgendering, Multi, Neither does Connor, Not Canon Compliant, Past Relationship(s), Permanent Injury, Physical Abuse, Plot, Slice of Life, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags Are Fun, Teen Romance, The Author Regrets Everything, The plot is going a whole nother direction, Trans Character, Trans Jared Kleinman, Transphobia, Verbal Abuse, Zoe isn't my favorite, but he has issues and can be abusive, but not part of plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-05 06:11:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13381821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_Dayy/pseuds/Jay_Dayy
Summary: Jared hated miracles. It all started when he was driving down the road at full-speed hoping to hit something hard enough to hopefully not only destroy his tin can of a car but himself as well. Unfortunately Connor Murphy is walking down a road, eyeing the cars for one going fast enough to kill him if he jumped in front of it, luckily he finds one zooming down the road at an illegal speed and dives under the tires.Both of them survive, but Jared torn to shreds by rumors that he tried to kill Connor, so much Evan and Jared come up with a plan that completely change their life as they know it.





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I uh, am a devoted Kleinsen shipper but I got this idea during a shower and actually ran to my room butt-naked to write it down in my notebook. 
> 
> This might be inaccurate and I in no way believe every disabled person has the same view-point as Connor in my fan fiction. If it's inaccurate to the point that it's offensive, please tell me! Thanks very much.

His blood pounded in his ears and his heartbeat went to the tempo of the throbbing of the bruise engulfing his left cheek. Jared Kleinman choked on his own blood as it poured from a tooth knocked loose by a nasty blow. He blinked back tears that were beginning to obscure his vision of the road stretching almost endlessly in front of him.

 

Jared clenched the steering wheel so tightly that his nails began to dig into his palm, his knuckles ghost white and begging for him to release his tight grip on the battered steering wheel which was clearly worn from how many times Jared had gripped it hard enough to dent the leather as he tried to escape his house.

 

Breathing was hard, his chest aching every time he gasped for air, hissing through blood-stained teeth almost greedily for oxygen that never seemed enough to calm his fleeting heart. His heart was beating unusually fast, fueled by adrenaline and fear from the brawl that had gone down mere minutes ago.

 

Jared may have physical wounds that would heal with time, there was a certain type of wound that not even an ice pack would fix. 

 

_ Fat. Ugly. Dyke. Disappointment.  _

 

_ We’d be happier if your mother had aborted you. _

 

Bile rose in his throat as he thought back to the words slung at him unmercifully from someone he should’ve been able to trust. He shuddered as the fire in his blood slowly cooled from rage to pure melancholy while shock quickly wore off, causing all his injuries to pulsate all at once.

 

So, this is life. 

 

Jared could remember the saying over and over, told to him by many different people with the same meaning. Life wasn’t fair, it seemed. Jared knew this, logically, he knew that this would probably happen to anyone else in his shoes, but he couldn’t help but wonder what he had done to deserve this. Granted, Jared wasn’t the best person. He bullied people, said things he shouldn’t to his loving mother and pushed away anyone who ever wanted to be his friend.

 

Did he deserve this, though?

 

_ Faggot. Bitch. Cow.  _

 

He shook his head in a fruitless attempt to get rid of his taunting presence as a tear lazily rolled down his cheek and once that one tear had broken the dam, others followed. Before he knew it, he was struggling to stay on the road as he heaved with sobs. 

 

He never wanted to return to that damned house again. It was a skeleton of what it used to be. Jared could remember happiness as a child, his mom and dad cooking together in the kitchen while he watched cartoons on television. Jared now longed for those rose-colored glasses called innocence once again. He was blind to the fact that they would argue when he was in the other room, that “daddy’s business trips” was him cheating on his wife with whatever secretary he had strong-armed into a sexual relationship.

 

Jared looked down to see his gas light was on, signaling that he would have to turn around and return to that hell hole that once had been his home. 

 

He didn’t want to go back. He couldn’t go back. He couldn’t do another day of stealing his mom’s makeup to hide the bruises on his face and arms. He couldn’t sit at the dining table with someone who told him that they wished he was dead. 

 

He can’t do it anymore. Jared has simply run out of road. He couldn’t do another day of pretending, of putting a smile on and using laughter to block out the fact that he often wondered how he’d get to the next day. He didn’t belong in this world, it seemed, he simply wasn’t strong enough. 

 

His stomach clenched as he pushed down on the gas, eyeing the stretch of trees ahead of him and hoping he would hit one hard enough to kill him. Jared has never felt so desperate for something in his life. It was like he was starving and food dangled just in his reach, or he was dying from thirst and there was a stream up ahead. 

 

Everything will be okay. 

 

Jared couldn’t stop crying. Oh, how he wished he could go out a badass, with a smirk on his face and an explosion. But no, he was going to be found in a crashed car with a tear-soaked face and bruises all over. They’d probably wonder how he such these wounds and his dad would simply shrug and say he had no idea what could’ve caused punch wounds all over his son.

 

Please let it be quick. 

 

There was a blur and a heavy thump as he hit something. A deer, maybe? Jared slammed on the brakes and sat there for a minute, eyeing the splatter of blood on the hood of his car. He didn’t know what to do. After a minute of trying not to fall apart, he climbed out of the car to see whatever he had turned into roadkill. The cold air nipped at his exposed skin, causing him to shiver as he slowly surveyed the car for damage before looking for whatever he hit.

 

He saw a small lump on the side of the road, sides heaving up and down as it struggled to breathe. Jared inched closer and saw a familiar head of long brown hair and a hoodie now stained with crimson blood. His heart leaped into his throat as he realized whatever the fuck he had just hit.

 

“I just hit Connor Murphy!” He shrieked, his stomach curdling in that moment. Jared had to put all his being into trying not to puke everywhere and even then he could taste bile on the back of his tongue. “Oh my god, oh my god, is he dead? I’m so fucked, oh my god!” Jared rushed forward and hovered over the boy, completely unsure what to do. With shaky hands he dug into his pocket and grabbed his phone, typing in three important numbers he had never thought he’d have to call.

 

"Nine-one-one operator. What is your emergency?"

 

“M-My name is Jared and he just fucking-” He paused to compose himself, “Connor Murphy - a student at my school - just jumped in front of my car. I-I don’t know if he was trying to kill himself or...” He spoke into the phone while staring at Connor, who had rolled over slightly to stare at the sky with blank, unforgiving eyes. Connor tried to move, causing Jared to let out a string of profanities and demand him to stop fucking moving before you break anything else.

 

"Don't hang up, please stay on the line." The operator told him after a minute of questioning. Jared slumped to his knees, anxiously staring at fucking Connor Murphy himself. It seemed like the universe was bent on bringing them together in the worst possible ways, whether it being Jared spreading a rumor saying Connor threw a printer in third grade or calling him a school-shooter in the hallway whenever he saw him.

 

Was this payback?

 

“Please don’t be dead.” Jared whispered, unsure what else to say to him, “I should probably…” He hesitantly reached out and grabbed his hand, only recoiling once he felt how cold they were. Jared shed his jacket and draped it over Connor who writhed in pain yet appeared to go in and out of consciousness. “I’m- Oh fuck, I’m so sorry, Connor!”

 

Although he could sit here and cry, begging Connor for forgiveness for everyone he had done to him in both the past and present. Jared simply watched as they loaded Connor into a stretcher and into the back of a wailing ambulance. They offered him his coat back, but he shook his head and turned away.

 

“He can keep it.” Jared didn’t ever want to see that damn jacket ever again. The EMT merely shrugged and got back into the ambulance before it sped away with the sirens blaring. A police officer approached Jared with a hardened look in his eye as he quickly surveyed the crime scene, not even blinking at the splatters and small pools of blood. The officer, with a weary sigh, began talking to Jared who honestly couldn’t hear him over the sound of his heart beating in his chest. The officer paused, waiting for Jared to respond to whatever question he had asked seconds before. Jared opened his mouth to ask him to repeat what he said, to tell him that he couldn’t hear anything over the panic flooding his system, to tell him that if Connor dies because of him Jared wouldn’t be able to live with himself...

 

Jared crumpled to the pavement and fell apart.

* * *

Beep, beep, beep.

The doctors spoke as if he weren’t even there. Words like “brain damage” and “permanent.” His mother cried, Connor’s father wasn’t there, Zoe was silent, and Connor was too numb not just from the medicine pumping through his veins, but from his failure. 


	2. Paper Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets a visit from someone and feels a bit more human after.

“Connor, please…” Connor turned on his side to try to get rid of his mother’s pleading tone, “You don’t have to talk or get up but please, Connor, you need to eat something.” There was the sound of a plate being placed on the nightstand next to him. “I made your favorite!” She giggled through her tears, “I broke my diet. It’s pizza, Connor, don’t you love pizza?”

He ignored her, or tried to. She grabbed his hand and squeezed before leaving his room, pausing at the door before gently closing it, leaving Connor alone. But it’s okay, Connor’s now used to feeling alone. Connor laid in bed and tried to ignore the gentle throbbing burning from his leg encased in plaster. His mom tried to get Zoe to sign his cast, but she refused. Connor didn’t give a shit if she signed or not because he couldn’t see it anyway.

 

Plus, she kinda hated him so why the fuck would he want her name on his body?

 

Connor rolled back onto his back and listened, holding his breath as he heard a few people go up the stairs towards his room. There was a timid knock at his door and they paused, clearly seeing if Connor will even say anything. After a beat of silence, the door slowly creaked open once again and Connor waited for his mom to pester him about not eating.

 

“Connor, I thought you’d might want some company, okay?” Connor still didn’t speak, he didn’t emote, he was numb. “Mrs. Kleinman came over and brought her daughter with her. You two used to be such close friends as kids…” Connor sat up slightly, looking in the direction of his bedroom door. He could make out the blurry figures of his mom, Mrs. Kleinman, and the one whose car he jumped in front of, “We’ll let you two hang out for a bit, okay?”

 

They left, chattering on about whatever moms talk about, leaving the two to sit there in silence. 

 

“Can I… Uh, sit on the edge of your bed?” Jared broke the silence. Connor looked away and felt his bed shift as Jared sat down on the edge without Connor’s permission, god dammit, and then there was a long, awkward silence that made Connor want to break his days of silence just to fill the void with something other than this tenseness thick enough that not even a razor sharp knife could cut through.

 

“I’m sorry for...” Connor was unable to say the sentence, remembering his failure and the last thing he had seen was the hood of the car rushing towards him and the  _ thunk  _ of his forehead bashing against the hood of the car.

 

“No,  _ I’m _ sorry. I- Uh, fuck,” Jared sounded choked up, “Everything I’ve said to you just like played over and over in my head when  _ it  _ happened and… God, I’m such an asshole, Connor.”

 

Despite himself, Connor chuckled to himself, “yeah, you are.” He knew he should be angry at him, yelling at him or something, but Connor was too tired to be angry. “We were close and shit as kids. What even happened? What did I do this time?” The last part was mumbled, yet Jared could somehow hear him.

 

“You didn’t...” Jared paused, “I don’t think I can- It’s stupid. Nevermind.” Another tense silence between the two, “sorry I hit you with my car, by the way.” Connor flinched before his mind registered the comment as a simple joke and he laughed for the first time in forever. The two boys both giggled, the tension in the room lifted and it felt as if they could breathe again. “Pizza, huh? I’d kill for a slice.”

 

Connor’s mood darkened ever so slightly at the way his stomach grumbled as if it had heard Jared’s comment. He was hungry, he felt weak, but the thought of eating made him want to vomit. It could be two things, a side-effect of the painkillers pumped into his system, or the self-hatred running through his veins.

 

“You gotta eat, Connor.” 

 

“Don’t feel like it.”

 

“Connor…” 

 

“Why the fuck do you even care?” Connor snapped at Jared, folding his arms over his chest, “you’ve called me names since the third grade and just because I jumped in front of your car and ruined my life, it’s your job to take care of me or some shit?!”

 

“Yeah, pretty much!” Connor rolled his eyes at how Jared was unseemingly uncaring of the fact that Connor didn’t want him to pester him, “You really should try to eat. There’s pepperoni ‘n shit on it, too. Isn’t your mom Buddhist and not allowed to eat meat or some weird shit like that?” Connor snorted, a bemused smile making its way to his face. His cheeks ached from the emotion that hadn’t found its way to his face in quite a while.

 

“No, she’s just going fucking insane. That’s what happens when you’re a stay-at-home mom and rich as hell. You know this, don’t you?”

 

“My mom has a job. That’s how I get time at home alone…” Connor could just imagine Jared Kleinman wiggling his eyebrows and winking since he’s the physical embodiment of the ‘Lenny Face,’ “...To fucking  _ pillage  _ my parent’s liquor cabinet. Seriously, it was buried under five inches of dust. I don’t think my mom and dad know it exists anymore.”

 

“Oh? Anything good in there?” Connor wasn’t much of a drinker, but he’s been known to dabble once in a while with his dad’s shitty beer hidden away in the garage.

 

“You’re not gonna be a snitch, right?”

 

“What? No way! What do you take me for? I’m not Zoe.” The last part didn’t have any venom in it, but there was the small flicker of anger bubbling in Connor’s chest at the very thought of her name. He wished things were different between them. He wished he weren’t such a fuck up. But now they had a great divide between the two. The years of childhood, the years of smiles and tongues stained blue from popsicles were gone. All that remained was tenseness in the air and grudges weighing them down.

 

Jared didn’t know the relationship between the siblings, he simply thought it was a good burn and reacted as such. “OOOOooooOOooo!” Jared was loud, he was annoying, he was brash… And Connor liked it. It filled the silence and distracted him from the fact that his life is now permanently changed.

 

“Connor, you need to eat that pizza right now before I eat it myself.” Jared really knows how to ruin the mood.

 

Connor opened his mouth to argue, but his stomach screamed at him once again to  _ eat _ . Jared must look so fucking smug right now and it both frustrated and amused him. “Fuck off. Hand it to me, though.” There was the shuffling as Jared grabbed the plate and handed it to him. Connor lifted it to his mouth and took a bite, moaning slightly at the taste. This was the first time in forever since he had pepperoni.

 

“I promise I’m not staring at you eating. That’d be creepy as fuck!” Jared suddenly exclaimed, “I mean, fuck, you can’t see shit, right? Wait, is that offensive? I’m sorry.” 

 

Connor winced at the reminder before sighing. “No. Fuck, it’s fine… Just-” Connor couldn’t cry. Not in front of Jared Kleinman. He bit back tears and tried to sound as apathetic as possible. “It’s fine. Whatever. Roll with the punches.”

 

“I’m sorry.” It was a whisper heavy with guilt. It made Connor’s heart throb with guilt. At one point he'd blame this on Jared, and some part of him likely still does, but Connor knew that the boy who had tormented him over the years was only partially the reason why he decided to kill himself.

 

“I was the one who jumped, Jared.”

 

“I know, I- Shit, sorry, I’m just-” Jared sniffled. Fuck, was he  _ crying?  _ Connor had no idea how to help. “I should go. My mom is probably worried or some shit. I don’t know.” Connor could see movement in the small patch of blurry vision he had. He reached out and grabbed blindly, hoping to snag his arm to stop him from leaving him alone. He was the only person to actually  _ talk _ to Connor as if he wasn’t a broken person or a burden.

 

“Ow!” Connor managed to grab his arm, but upon the yelp, he let go.

 

“What’s wrong?” Connor’s grip wasn’t _ that  _ tight, was it?

 

Jared retorted, “nothing, I just- I have some bruises from… Nevermind, doesn’t matter. I’m gonna go tell your mom you’re eating and shit, okay?” Connor didn’t want him to leave him. Even though they’ve hated each other since the third grade, he felt as if Jared didn’t treat him as a burden or like he was made of paper.

 

“Have a good night, Connor.” Jared said before he shut the door behind him.


	3. Deception in All Forms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared goes back to school after the incident and begins to hate how it has changed his life both at home and at school.

Jared has never hated school as much as he did right now. And no, it wasn’t like the other students who were bored or they’re pissed off that they have to wake up early to get to the bus. Jared fucking loathed school because everyone thinks he fucking hit Connor with his car on purpose.

Some people were up-front about it, evident in the way they would shove him out of the way or out-right yell and call him a psychopath and a murderer. Jared normally had a response to assholes, but now he was tongue-tied. How are you supposed to respond to someone claiming you’re a psychopath? Evan tried to help him, smiling at him when they passed each other in the halls, but Jared knew that Evan was too scared to openly stand up for him so what did it matter?

There was an assembly. When Jared’s class filed in, the stands were already full and all eyes were on Jared. There was no room for him to sit and no one would bother to make room for him. Why? Jared was the psycho murderer, after all. 

“Please find somewhere to sit, Ms. Kleinman.” Fuck off, Mr. Smith, you gizzard-necked fuck with nose hair long enough to french-braid. Of course, Jared said none of that out loud, he simply forced himself to nod before shooting a pleading look at the people in the first row, silently begging for one of these assholes to let him sit!

A girl, blonde with blue eyes, sucked her teeth and scooted over ever so slightly for Jared to somehow wedge his ass in the tiny space between her and one fuckboy-looking guy taking filtered pictures on snapchat. Jared sat down, his hands on his lap as their principal stood on a podium set up in the middle of the same place Jared gets pummelled in dodgeball.

She leaned forward to speak into a microphone, a loud ringing of feedback making everyone yelp and slap their hands over their ears at once. The principal then launched into her usual speech about how it’s such a shock that Connor Murphy had gone through such an unfortunate accident. Jared fidgeted with the frayed end of his favorite Super Mario t-shirt as everyone seemed to stare at him from the corner of their eyes.

And Jared has never felt so alone in a crowd.

Alana went up to the podium, her voice filling the gymnasium and trying to get through to kids that don’t really care about Connor.

“We realize that this change is frightening. We’re all worried about Connor, and we’re pleased to report that he’s recovering at home.” Her voice shook ever so slightly, along with her hands, but she continued to speak, “up here we have set up a donation box for the Murphy family, since his medical bills could be a strain on his family. Please, donate, every cent counts.” After being forced to watch a slideshow of pictures of Connor, they were allowed to leave to go to lunch. Jared watched as students dropped their pocket change into the box, a few of them shedding crocodile tears, and other making sure people saw them put something into the donation box.

Jared walked away and into the lunchroom which was filled with chaotic kids talking at the top of their lungs and Jared felt his heartbeat pick up. He scanned the rows of benches at tables and stopped on one, where Evan sat alone picking at his peanut butter sandwich. He carefully approached and slammed his plastic tray down on the table with a loud clack, startling Evan out of his skin.

“Well, since everyone thinks I’m a psycho murderer, I have to sit with you.” Jared was about to sit down next to him, but hesitated. “You don’t mind, do you?” Though said sarcastically, he wouldn’t sit if Evan told him not.

“No, no, g-go ahead.” Evan was picking at his fingers, biting at his fingernails, “I-I don’t think too many people think you did it on purpose, Jared.” Jared huffed, sitting down across from him.

“Tell that to the assholes who pushed me against the lockers.”

“Do you want to tell a teacher?”

“Oh, sure, Evan. Great idea! I totally won’t get my ass beat double for being a snitch.” Jared quipped, “No, I don’t. Even the teachers are suspicious of me. Mrs. Emerson fucking pulled me on the side after class to ask me about it.” There was another loud clang next to Jared and he couldn’t help but jolt, an electric shock of fear shooting through his entire body.

“Hi, can I sit?” Alana’s voice cut through the sudden silence between the two boys and Jared had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. 

“I mean, you’re already sitting, so go ahead.”

“Great!” She looked at Evan, who was clearly unsure what to say, and then down to his lunch brought from home, “What do you have there? Peanut butter and jelly?” Evan opened his mouth to answer and she continued talking. “I love peanut butter and jelly, especially apple jelly. My mom used to make homemade apple jam from our apple trees. I remember putting it on toast and it was always the best, you know?”

Jared wasn’t quite convinced that Alana was sitting here to chit-chat about her mother’s apple jam. “Quit the small-talk. You’re here to ask me about Connor.”

“W-Well, about that…” Alana bit her lip, “I mean, I’m just worried and I don’t think it’s true that you wanted Connor dead and I just wanted to know what happened so I can help get everyone to stop being rude to you.”

Jared ran a hand through his air and glared down at the cafeteria meatloaf on his tray, a sin within itself, and sighed once again. “Fine. Fuck. Whatever, I’ll tell you. Pretty much I was driving and-” He could recall how tension locked his body up and his muscles screamed, how bile rose in his throat and the taste of vomit made him gag even more, how his thoughts raced even faster than what he was driving. The pain of bruises, his face slimy from fears, and Jared felt physically ill just thinking back on it. “I was driving and he- he jumped.”

There was a pregnant pause at the table, the air suddenly heavy between him.

“He jumped..?” Evan breathed, his ocean-blue eyes suddenly glassy. 

“Jared, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” Alana said, reaching out to touch his shoulder, “Are you okay? Do you need to talk to someone?” Jared shuddered, shying away from her touch. She pulled back, simply waiting for him to respond. He had no words to express the dread pooling in his stomach, or the tears pricking his eyes. He wiped them away and forced a grin.

“Yeah, I’m not the one who tried to kill myself.” Jared lied through his teeth. Alana opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by the bell. He sprung to his feet, grateful to get out the tense lunchroom. Luckily he only had one class to go and then he got to go home…

And then he remembered that gym was his next class.


	4. Little Debbie Can Hit Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets another visit from someone he's starting to feel a bit more comfortable around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not proofread rn so *throws at you*
> 
> sorry if it's bad. I just needed to get something out. (Like my love for Little Debbie snacks.)

Jared burst into his house after school, sweat dripping down his brow and soaking his hair. Gym class plus speed-walking home on a slightly warm day wasn’t the best combination in the world, but he was home now and ready to lay in his room and scroll through 4chan conspiracies and eat Little Debbie Snacks until he was going to burst. 

He was about to walk past the living room when he heard fake, polite laughter. He peeked in to see his mom talking to Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, each of them sipping wine. Mrs. Murphy looked up and eventually noticed him, a thin grin spreading across her face. His mom turned and beckoned him in with the secret promise of a sip of wine if he was lucky.

“What’s going on? Is this an intervention?” Though it was a joke, Jared couldn’t help but think about his horde of little debbie snacks in his room. Mrs. Murphy and his mom laughed again, clearly not finding his joke that funny, but pretending they did. Jared hesitantly sat down next to his mom, who pulled him in for a hug.

She was clearly drunk.

“Jasmine- er, well, Jared is my little comedian of the house.” She pressed her lips to his cheek and Jared groaned, wiping off the slimy lipstick residue she left behind, “He’s always keeping things light-hearted…”

“Is there a reason why you guys broke out the good wine, or is it because you want to gush about my comedy skills?” More laughter and Jared grew increasingly annoyed. Why does everyone dance around the point these days? Mrs. Murphy, Cynthia, leaned in to speak to him and he noticed how tired her eyes were despite the joy flickering like a soft flame in her brown irises. 

“Connor- he’s talking, he’s eating, he’s…” Her eyes welled with tears and it took all of his strength not to cringe away at the show of emotion, “You helped him. One visit and he’s improving already, Jared. We- We just wanted to thank you for helping him after-” She swallowed a sob and blinked back her tears, reaching out to grab Jared’s hands and squeeze them reassuringly. 

“I don’t know what to say…” Jared breathed, “I didn’t even do anything. I just talked to him…”

“Whatever you did… It helped our son.” Mr. Murphy, Larry, jumped in. “And we think you being there is a vital part of his… Recovery.” Even he, the stolid macho man of the Murphy house sounded slightly choked up. He cleared his throat before he continued. “We wanted to ask you if you would like to come over after school and talk to Connor, help him feel less... Less alone.” Larry looked at his wife, who patted his hand reassuringly. “We’d pay you, of course.” 

Jared blinked, taken aback. “Pay me?”

__

 

Connor has no idea how long he’s been laying in bed. The days and nights used to blind together and he’d tell the date through birdsong but then he began to notice the differences. Night time was quiet, the house was silent and the crickets chirped outside of his window, while in the daytime Connor could hear muffled music from Zoe’s room and the general tin of daily life in the Murphy household. 

How long has he been without sight? How long has it been since his entire life went off the rails? How long as it been since Connor has wondered what future will he have if he cannot even see? Connor mentally thought back, remembering the hospital and the sugary-sweet voices of the nurses. Of the pain shooting through his brain and how he would scream as his medicine wore off, flailing in the bed and begging his parents for death until a nurse rushed in and injected something strong into his iv. 

How long has it been since Connor saw the sky for the last time? He could remember jumping, fear shooting through his body and mingling with some strange sense of clarity overtaking his thoughts. He could remember how time moved at a snail’s pace and he was able to look up at the sky for the last time, a smile on his tear-stained face as he made impact with the hood of the car, his head slamming into the metal hood hard enough for him to hear an echo through his skull and a vibration shooting down his spine.

Everything went dark after, except for when he dreamed. Connor saw color in his dreams, he saw the sky and the snow-white feathers of white doves as they scattered around him. He could see Jared once again, his brown hair and shit-eating grin as he quoted a meme found on 4chan, or see his sister how it once was, when they were siblings who loved each other and not what they were now.

God, Connor was such a fuck up. 

His self-deprecating thoughts were interrupted by timid knocking on his door. He sat up, greasy, disheveled brown hair falling around his shoulders. He cleared his throat and called out:

“Who the fuck is it?” 

How equolent. 

“Your new best bud!” Came Jared’s reply through the door, “are you naked? Can I come in?” A pause, “I meant like, I’d come in if you weren’t naked because like, if I came in if you were naked that would be really…” Jared trailed off, “can I come in?”

“Uhhh…” Connor ran his fingers through his hair, realizing he hasn’t showered since that one horrible, awkward time when he slipped and nearly broke both his leg cast and face on the shower floor, “yeah. Fuck it. Whatever. Come in!” The door opened and in came Jared Kleinman.

“Jesus fuck. It’s so sad in here.” Great. Thanks. “You need to like, go for a walk or some shit, the air in here is stagnant.”

“Cool. Is there a reason you came here or are you here just to be a fucking annoyance?” Connor crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes in the direction of where Jared stood. Jared clicked his tongue.

“I come bearing goodies!” Jared said that with a serious tone, no hint or clue to him being glib and Connor couldn’t help the smile spreading over his face. “I got the good shit, my dude, this is an honor, Connor. You’re the first one I’m sharing my haul with.” Jared dropped a bunch of small boxes on Connor’s lap for him to explore, finding small packages with something squishy inside.

“Are… Are these little debbie snacks?”

“Yep! I have a horde in my room behind my headboard. Don’t tell my mom.” Jared sat down on the foot of a bed, “you can have some, by the way. Go nuts.” Jared began opening a wrapper and Connor followed, managing to get a wrapper off what he was assuming was a twinkie and biting into it, the first junk food he’s had since he could remember. 

“Jesus fuck!” Connor managed to say through a mouthful of twinkie. Jared merely managed to grunt in response. They sat in silent eating twinkies, no noise except for the sound of them ripping open twinkie wrappers and devouring them. It was a nice silence until Kleinman felt the need to ruin it. 

“Wanna like, listen to music? I have my phone and earbuds here. I have some reading to do for English, so if you don’t mind?” 

Connor didn’t mind and told him so.

“So, hi, I need to move up so you can put my earbud in?” Connor rolled his eyes and scooted over and Jared shifted in next to him, their shoulders nearly touching as Jared handed him one of the ear buds and he put the other in. Connor was immediately greated to the sound of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and he couldn’t help but speak his mind.

“Wow, this makes me double wish your car killed me.”

Silence.

Jared burst into laughter.

Yeah, this might actually work out fine. Connor thought, a rueful smile on his face as he listened to Jared’s playlist full of meme songs such as the “Yee” song and “All Star” from Smash Mouth. There was the quiet sound of turning pages once in a while and Connor simply enjoyed it as his eyes slowly slid shut and he drifted off with the sweet taste of junk food lingering both physically and mentally.


	5. You Promised, Bitch

“I’m bored.” Jared flopped onto Connor’s bed and over his lap. Connor ignored him and continued listening to the podcast Jared had downloaded for him on his phone. Jared shifted and started again, whining melodramatically. “I’m  _ booooooored~!”  _

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Connor snapped, “personal space, dick” His words carried no venom despite the annoyance bubbling in his heart.

 

“I’m bored. You should go downstairs, you must be dying in here.” Came Jared’s response. Connor shrugged. It’s true that he’s been pent up in here for forever, but he felt his throat clench at the thought of leaving the room. “Have you been outside since…?”

 

“Yeah, it-” Connor swallowed heavily, remembering how he curled up in the backseat of the car and cried, cried when they tried teaching him how to walk with a pain, how he screamed and cried when he could  _ hear  _ cars nearby and wasn’t able to see them. He shuddered, “Fuck. Nevermind. Fuck off if you’re bored, Kleinman.”

 

Jared clicked his teeth, “Jeez. You don’t need to be such an ass about it.” 

 

“I’m not being an ass!” Connor retaliated, “ _ you’re  _ being annoying!”

 

“You’re annoying!”

 

“I’m not the one climbing all over other people's laps like some five-year-old.” A brief silence. Jared crawled off his lap and they sat in angry silence before Jared finally spoke.

 

“I just stuck my tongue out at you, by the way.” Connor nearly laughed out loud at how stupidly random that comment was, Jared continued talking. “Are you sure you don’t want to go outside? There’s a dog park nearby… Maybe I can drive-” He flinched at the word and thought of getting in a car. Jared was wise and quickly changed his wording, “well, maybe we can  _ walk _ over and pet some puppers or some shit.” 

 

“That… That sounds cool, actually.” Connor chuckled sadly, “too bad I can’t see dogs anymore.”

 

“Hey, Connor, you  _ have  _ a future, you know? It might not seem that way right now but blind people can do the same shit sighted people can. You might not be able to see the doggos, but you can hear and feel them.” Jared sighed, “I get how it feels to not be able to see a future, I mean- Fuck. This is really sappy and shit.”

 

“It’s just- I’m  _ broken. _ ” Connor let out a sad giggle, “My dad- er, Larry hasn’t even talked to me since and Cynthia just acts like I’m a fucking fragile flower.” He clenched his fists, physically tensing up as he grit his teeth. Jared was strangely quiet once again.

 

“I’m sorry, Connor.”

 

“You didn’t purposefully blind me.”

 

“I know.” Jared suddenly snorted, “Jeez. I’ve been apologizing a lot lately, I’m practically turning into Tree-fucker. That’s uh, Evan, by the way. You know him, right?” Connor didn’t know him well, only could remember a blonde kid who only wore blue and cried one time in health class. Connor could relate. Just watching him try to present a powerpoint about safe sex made Connor want to weep.

 

“Yeah, I guess.” Connor exhaled heavily. They had just talked about deep feelings and shit and he didn’t feel smothered for the first time. The weight of his burdens on his shoulders lessened ever so slightly and he felt better. “God, I wish I had a joint right now.” 

 

“Um.”

 

“You don’t smoke?” Connor was surprised. With the number of things Jared said in class to waste time so they didn’t have work seemed to be what passes through someone’s mind when they’re high. 

 

“Fuck no!” Jared exclaimed, “I mean, I’m not going to judge. You can- uh,  _ blaze it up, _ but I have a reputation to uphold and brain cells to protect.” 

 

“Sure,” Connor drawled, “You just say a lot of dumb shit to waste class time.”

 

“Hey, the metaphorical battle of Fruits v.s. Vegetables is not dumb. It’s a real question with a very real answer. Fruits would win because they have spies on the vegetable side, like cucumbers!” Jared exclaimed, “quit grinning at me, this is serious!” Connor hadn’t even realized he was smiling until Jared pointed it out.

 

“You’re fucking stupid,” Connor said, biting his lip to hide his embarrassing fucking smile. “What time is it?” The house was quiet, yet he couldn’t smell dinner cooking downstairs. There was a faint shuffling - Jared getting his phone out of his pocket - before he spoke.

 

“Oops. Around six. I-I have to go home.” Jared sighed, but he didn’t move. “My dad’s going to be pissed that I’m late, you know?” He still didn’t stand. “Yep, I’d better leave…” He had no effort to get up as if he were hesitating.

 

“Yeah, you probably should get going, Kleinman.” Connor tried to keep his disappointment out of his voice but it didn’t, making him sound like a little kid. He cringed and shook his head, trying again so he didn’t sound so stupidly fucking forlorn. “I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

 

“Fuck yeah you will.” Jared stood and paused once again before leaving, gently shutting the door behind him. 

 

* * *

  
  


It had been two days since Jared had visited and Connor tried to keep himself from worrying. He doesn’t worry. Why should he care if Jared didn’t show up? It was just a pity thing because Connor jumped in front of his car, after all.

 

It didn’t really matter, did it?

 

Connor tried to stay calm as he listened to one of the podcasts Jared had downloaded for him on his mp3 player, trying to ignore the cold wriggling of betrayal worming through his heart like it were a rotten apple. He sighed loudly, leaning his head back to face the ceiling.

 

Where the fuck is Jared? Any comforting sense of normalcy was wiped away from his disappearance and although Connor would never, ever fucking admit it. He was worried.

 

Did Jared not want to talk to him anymore? Did Connor do something wrong?

 

Did something  _ happen  _ to Jared?

 

The podcast ended and Connor had missed every word they said, his thoughts louder than the narrator’s smooth, velvet-like voice. He ripped out the ear buds and listened to the quiet of the house. Somewhere downstairs, the ancient house phone rang before it was cut off mid-ring by someone picking it up.

 

“Mom! Uh- It’s for you?” Zoe’s voice wafted upstairs, tight with obvious fear and confusion. “It’s- It’s Jared.”

 

Connor shot up, his heart stopping still in his chest as his mother took the phone, silently listening to the person on the other end. Jared was calling them. Jared wasn’t there. Something happened. Oh shit. Oh  _ shit! _ Connor climbed out the bed, wincing as his cast awkwardly clattered against his carpeted floor. He frantically searched for his crutches before finding them leaned awkwardly against his nightstand. 

 

He began to try to get downstairs without the help of one of his parents. He had left the room to use the bathroom but that was it, he had only gone down the hallway and downstairs twice since  _it_ happened and even then he was practically dragged. Connor visualized his room the best he could in his fear, remembering navy-blue walls with dents from his fist colliding into the paint, and a door that looked equally as battered with the lock removed. He exited his room and began down the narrow hallway, his fingers skimming the walls and feeling the familiar touch of family portraits where he was likely scowling and refusing to look at the camera. His socked feet shuffled over the beige carpet until he reached the end where the dreaded wooden stairs of hell were located.

 

How the fuck do you go downstairs when you're both newly blind and on crutches?

 

He stepped down and grabbed the railing tight enough so his hand throbbed. He began climbing down and listening to his mother's hushed voice as she spoke to presumably Jared on the phone. Connor was trying to be as quiet as possible so he can listen in, but he accidentally dropped a crutch and was forced to hopelessly listen to it loudly clatter down the stairs, likely alerting everyone in the entire universe of his existence.

 

“Connor? You-you’re up!” His mother said, her voice wavering despite the clear surprise and happiness. "What are you doing? You're going to hurt yourself!" 

 

Connor was near the bottom of the stairs and he spoke, dodging her questions with questions of his own. “What the fuck is going on? Is Jared okay? Where the fuck is he!?” His voice was shrill and an octave higher than normal but he didn’t fucking care. _What was going on? Is Jared hurt?_

 

"It's Jared... He- He's..." Her voice broke.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I love comments! Please, yell at me or something. They make me smile :)


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